I thought I read something in the I-Ching about, “strength giving way to humbleness”, that inspired me to want to follow that path. The funny thing is, I will look it up, and I can’t find that series of words anywhere. I always saw more power in humbleness over strength, but the whole reason I wanted to follow that way was because I didn’t want to come across as full of myself, which is exactly how I feel at times. So I pretended.
Lately I have felt very strong in my way, like I have found my path on my own, and that it is my way or the highway. This is good to some degree, and there have been times before this where I have needed help, and took all the advice I could get which is okay too. Sometimes though, the rigidity and expulsion of a self that has been bundled, knotted, and covered in dust for thousands of years can hurt others as the expression lashes out in all and every direction. It can be hard to control a heavily pressurized regurgitation of a self creative inspiration. I really don’t want to hurt others, and from this the desire to be humbler while being my self is born. I want to learn how to work together with the new strengths I have found.
Even though at times I may express the solidity and centeredness of my inner self, I feel in a way that because I know its there, I can bend, adapt, and allow a greater breadth of cooperation without losing self. It reminds me of a time when I was training for boxing. I trained hard and drastically improved my skills and ability. Not only was it a physical outlet for my anger, but I felt like I no longer had to prove to anyone that I could fight, and I didn’t have to act like a tough guy anymore. I could back away from a fight with confidence. I could even let someone punch me in the face without punching back. A while away from the punching bag the rage and defensive arrogance can build, and the feeling of, “I will fuck you up”, can creep in. My sweatlodge mentor told me, “once you learn how to fight, you never have to fight again”.
In relationships, through a combination of psychological defense mechanisms and thwarted love, many unconsciously believe that we can no longer rely on another. We justify this by developing an independence and claim to self reliance which although is essential and useful in some ways, can hinder true intimacy. We think that evolving to become loose in our attachments can open the gate to a freer and more open love, but in some ways we might just be avoiding the pain of a separated merge. We become a little too strong and rigid with a narcissism which can be disguised as self-love, but I think that when we give way to humbleness from our center we can achieve a deeper intimacy, a mutually beneficial reliance and need, and a harmonious balance of interdependence with others while staying true to ourselves.