So the pain you feel drives you completely insane, and makes you feel like a small demon is inside the chambers of your heart screaming and scratching at the soft walls with its overgrown black finger nails. What now you ask? Your experience tainted the whole concept of love as a strong cynicism waxes over your once bright mind. Your heart is black. Maybe a rebound might help. Ah yes, if you fuck someone else just like them, then you will be healed. Or perhaps numbed. Oh shit, nothing can seem to stop the feelings.
On the hero’s journey of love, what we sometimes forget is that we would encounter loves darkest challenge. The Universe says, “if you want something really incredible, its not going to be easy, most of the long-term relationships you see are people that settle, and that’s why they last so long and seem so easy. You chose a different path, you’ve got to face the enemy. I will give you enemies that you think are your closest allies. Narcissists offering negative connotation to the title of Prince or Princess. You will have to face them, perhaps many of them, in order to receive the treasure which you truly desire. This is the path of the champion”
Face the pain of the ex. The way it feels that they fuck other people, or became completely enamoured with someone else and jumped ship. The way it feels that they betrayed you, destroyed you, made you truly sick. Get angry, get dark, let fury burn your soul alive, let the pain break you apart. Go right into that feeling of the soft flesh of your heart searing, and the insanity of your mind. No matter how long it takes. On the other side is an even deeper more genuine love than you have ever experienced. All the shitty feelings they brought up, when you go through them, you are welcomed to the integration of their opposite, and the beautiful reflection in your reality when you break through it. The god and goddess you have been waiting for is on the other side of your broken heart.
When I was a young boy, I went to a fancy restaurant with my parents. There was an older man that my family did not know, having dinner with his wife. She was very beautiful, and he was a very sociable person in a way that had a characteristic charm. For some reason our family sat at the table with him. His very presence was a celebration, and I supposed we were naturally drawn to his infectious passion for life. He was fucking cool! He talked to me, and told me something that stood out in my mind, and something I will never forget. He said, “I love my job, and I love my wife. To get my job I kept knocking on the door. They said no, over and over, but I kept knocking. Eventually they said yes. And that’s how I got my wife as well. Just keep knocking, over and over, eventually you get it”.
Keep knocking on the door of love, keep getting your heart broken further and further. Go through that pain, deeper and deeper. Eventually you will knock on the right door, and not the one you find out wasn’t right later on.
We may feel a sense of unease within ourselves and around others. We may no longer have a sense of satisfaction in possessing strengths over others, and although we may be aware of how rare and unique we are, we might question if we are good enough when standing up to the crowd. At any moment, any or everything could be completely stripped away from under our feet, and what we are left with is a raw and naked human, with a ripe flesh of vulnerability exposed to the cold open air.
Outside sources of affection, praise, and possessions are only transient by nature. Yet still, because of this we should not avoid forming bonds of attachment, getting close and feeling comfortable with another, or enjoy things that build us up, it is totally healthy and human. The true enjoyment of an attachment is risking the possibility of feeling the full pain of your separation from it. A monk who cuts himself off from the beautiful gifts of outward living walks with only one foot on the road of enlightenment.
Within relationships, it is important to feel secure and certain, yet if there is no change or growth the passion may die. On the other hand if you have no sense of security at all with someone then its probably not headed in a happy direction. With a healthy relationship, it is a good sign that you can feel safe being unsafe and with all of your uncertainties, you can relax and feel certain with that person. We must be willing to risk the burn of separation and expose our insecurity in order to form intimate bonds with those that are worthy to share ourselves with. If we stay on guard and protect ourselves, we may never really get to know the infinite depth of ourselves and another.
Getting uncomfortable within ourselves and in the world is how we grow and experience newer and greater heights. With experience we can allow a sense of peace to integrate into that feeling of uneasiness as we grow into new spaces and dimensions. Its like the comedian who gets nervous and bombs on stage countless times before he can make people laugh. The fear hasn’t gone away, he has just learn’t to allow his self to shine through it. One of the greatest senses of security we will ever feel, is the willingness to feel completely insecure.
I thought I read something in the I-Ching about, “strength giving way to humbleness”, that inspired me to want to follow that path. The funny thing is, I will look it up, and I can’t find that series of words anywhere. I always saw more power in humbleness over strength, but the whole reason I wanted to follow that way was because I didn’t want to come across as full of myself, which is exactly how I feel at times. So I pretended.
Lately I have felt very strong in my way, like I have found my path on my own, and that it is my way or the highway. This is good to some degree, and there have been times before this where I have needed help, and took all the advice I could get which is okay too. Sometimes though, the rigidity and expulsion of a self that has been bundled, knotted, and covered in dust for thousands of years can hurt others as the expression lashes out in all and every direction. It can be hard to control a heavily pressurized regurgitation of a self creative inspiration. I really don’t want to hurt others, and from this the desire to be humbler while being my self is born. I want to learn how to work together with the new strengths I have found.
Even though at times I may express the solidity and centeredness of my inner self, I feel in a way that because I know its there, I can bend, adapt, and allow a greater breadth of cooperation without losing self. It reminds me of a time when I was training for boxing. I trained hard and drastically improved my skills and ability. Not only was it a physical outlet for my anger, but I felt like I no longer had to prove to anyone that I could fight, and I didn’t have to act like a tough guy anymore. I could back away from a fight with confidence. I could even let someone punch me in the face without punching back. A while away from the punching bag the rage and defensive arrogance can build, and the feeling of, “I will fuck you up”, can creep in. My sweatlodge mentor told me, “once you learn how to fight, you never have to fight again”.
In relationships, through a combination of psychological defense mechanisms and thwarted love, many unconsciously believe that we can no longer rely on another. We justify this by developing an independence and claim to self reliance which although is essential and useful in some ways, can hinder true intimacy. We think that evolving to become loose in our attachments can open the gate to a freer and more open love, but in some ways we might just be avoiding the pain of a separated merge. We become a little too strong and rigid with a narcissism which can be disguised as self-love, but I think that when we give way to humbleness from our center we can achieve a deeper intimacy, a mutually beneficial reliance and need, and a harmonious balance of interdependence with others while staying true to ourselves.