So the pain you feel drives you completely insane, and makes you feel like a small demon is inside the chambers of your heart screaming and scratching at the soft walls with its overgrown black finger nails. What now you ask? Your experience tainted the whole concept of love as a strong cynicism waxes over your once bright mind. Your heart is black. Maybe a rebound might help. Ah yes, if you fuck someone else just like them, then you will be healed. Or perhaps numbed. Oh shit, nothing can seem to stop the feelings.
On the hero’s journey of love, what we sometimes forget is that we would encounter loves darkest challenge. The Universe says, “if you want something really incredible, its not going to be easy, most of the long-term relationships you see are people that settle, and that’s why they last so long and seem so easy. You chose a different path, you’ve got to face the enemy. I will give you enemies that you think are your closest allies. Narcissists offering negative connotation to the title of Prince or Princess. You will have to face them, perhaps many of them, in order to receive the treasure which you truly desire. This is the path of the champion”
Face the pain of the ex. The way it feels that they fuck other people, or became completely enamoured with someone else and jumped ship. The way it feels that they betrayed you, destroyed you, made you truly sick. Get angry, get dark, let fury burn your soul alive, let the pain break you apart. Go right into that feeling of the soft flesh of your heart searing, and the insanity of your mind. No matter how long it takes. On the other side is an even deeper more genuine love than you have ever experienced. All the shitty feelings they brought up, when you go through them, you are welcomed to the integration of their opposite, and the beautiful reflection in your reality when you break through it. The god and goddess you have been waiting for is on the other side of your broken heart.
When I was a young boy, I went to a fancy restaurant with my parents. There was an older man that my family did not know, having dinner with his wife. She was very beautiful, and he was a very sociable person in a way that had a characteristic charm. For some reason our family sat at the table with him. His very presence was a celebration, and I supposed we were naturally drawn to his infectious passion for life. He was fucking cool! He talked to me, and told me something that stood out in my mind, and something I will never forget. He said, “I love my job, and I love my wife. To get my job I kept knocking on the door. They said no, over and over, but I kept knocking. Eventually they said yes. And that’s how I got my wife as well. Just keep knocking, over and over, eventually you get it”.
Keep knocking on the door of love, keep getting your heart broken further and further. Go through that pain, deeper and deeper. Eventually you will knock on the right door, and not the one you find out wasn’t right later on.
In love we can feel ourselves floating off into the distant stars, soaring, expanding, and sparkling with luster. Our child like imaginations are kindled as we fly above the clouds, gaining an immunity from anything that sucks. Our hearts glow, melt, and radiate as our blood carries magical chemicals that flood and flush our entire system from our head to toes. We reach the highest planes, yet can we allow that love to enter the deepest and darkest parts of ourselves? If we do, It then becomes a love with substance. This type of love can endure the tough times, instead of jumping from one high to another, only skipping across the dark waters.
If we begin to become familiar with ourselves on a deeper level, we might have opened the inner catacombs of darkness and have begun releasing the powers that have bound our unconscious behaviors since the beginning of our incarnations. We begin to see and feel everything we have ever hidden from ourselves, and as we go deeper and deeper, we find the pit to be bottomless. Though, we may have spent so much time doing shadow work, and releasing our resistance to darkness, that we have built a resistance to light as well. We become so comfortable in the dark, like a vampire that only comes out at night, that we don’t want to leave the coffin. We might even come to hate the word light, love, happiness, and that’s okay too, but we might be resisting their beauty, and the fullness of experience.
When our hearts break, the chambers of self are deepening and expanding. The pain that we experience is the demolition and tearing apart of the walls that have held up against our infinite depth. As we give this process time and protection, we can begin to remove the bandages from the operation. No one can tell you how much time to take, but eventually we can begin to let in the floodgates of light to fill every crevice that we have expanded through our experience. The further we have allowed ourselves to crumble apart, the more love we can let in.
The most common type of happiness you might hear about is the kind without substance. It floats above a dark pit, and wishes not to descend. But a happiness with substance is the kind that can be integrated into that pit. As we tear down those walls and resistances to happiness and love one by one, we let the integration take place and allow the people, situations, and feelings of meaning and substance to enter into the depth of ourselves.
We may feel a sense of unease within ourselves and around others. We may no longer have a sense of satisfaction in possessing strengths over others, and although we may be aware of how rare and unique we are, we might question if we are good enough when standing up to the crowd. At any moment, any or everything could be completely stripped away from under our feet, and what we are left with is a raw and naked human, with a ripe flesh of vulnerability exposed to the cold open air.
Outside sources of affection, praise, and possessions are only transient by nature. Yet still, because of this we should not avoid forming bonds of attachment, getting close and feeling comfortable with another, or enjoy things that build us up, it is totally healthy and human. The true enjoyment of an attachment is risking the possibility of feeling the full pain of your separation from it. A monk who cuts himself off from the beautiful gifts of outward living walks with only one foot on the road of enlightenment.
Within relationships, it is important to feel secure and certain, yet if there is no change or growth the passion may die. On the other hand if you have no sense of security at all with someone then its probably not headed in a happy direction. With a healthy relationship, it is a good sign that you can feel safe being unsafe and with all of your uncertainties, you can relax and feel certain with that person. We must be willing to risk the burn of separation and expose our insecurity in order to form intimate bonds with those that are worthy to share ourselves with. If we stay on guard and protect ourselves, we may never really get to know the infinite depth of ourselves and another.
Getting uncomfortable within ourselves and in the world is how we grow and experience newer and greater heights. With experience we can allow a sense of peace to integrate into that feeling of uneasiness as we grow into new spaces and dimensions. Its like the comedian who gets nervous and bombs on stage countless times before he can make people laugh. The fear hasn’t gone away, he has just learn’t to allow his self to shine through it. One of the greatest senses of security we will ever feel, is the willingness to feel completely insecure.